Tia Maria Cork was cheerleader of the year for the Kentucky Wildcats in 1967. She Grew up in a tarpaper shack on the Eastern edge of Harlan where she was born the son of a poor black sharecropper. Undeterred by her lot in life Maria went on to have a stunning career in Macrame, studying at the feet of the great Sara Lee. Perhaps her single greatest achievement is a macrame and chicken wire half-life-size replica of Mount Rushmore which resides in the back garden of her home in Elkport, Mississippi and is currently the subject of a High Court Lawsuit brought by the state of Mississippi. Maria enjoys fried chicken washed down with a fifth of rye and says her ambition is to one day see Mount Rushmore for real.

Rib Eye Jake has all the charm of a rootin' tootin' rackin' frackin' varmint's armpit, and that ain't none too charmin'. This sorry, soggy sum'bitch was dragged up on the streets of Memphis Tennessee where he made a living collecting the spittle of great musicians and bottling it to sell to tourists. Jake is the proud owner of precisely two and a half teeth and is currently serving a stretch for stretching a serf. He don't have no ambition, even if'n he could spell it.